I went to brunch after church this morning. It was quite possibly the worst eggs benedict I have ever had. When the lady asked me if I wanted “hash browns, diced potatoes or fruit” on the side… I meant to say “diced potatoes” but it came out as “diced tomatoes.”
Before walking into this placed I walked by another brunch spot, the plates that were being eaten by the people on the patio looked delicious. Omelets, french toast, potatoes, waffles,mimosas and bloody marys. The food looked delicious and I should have walked in there but the people outside stopped me. They all looked so happy, girls out with their friends, couples enjoying brunch and parents having an end of the school year drink with their college students.
Usually things like that don’t phase me and usually I’d march right in and have brunch alone. But not today. Today it all reminded me of how lonely I was. So I went to a diner instead and sat at the bar. As I sat there I thought, “back to eating brunch alone…” I ate brunch alone just a few days ago but it didn’t phase me. I ate, I went for a run, cleaned, showered and went to meet with Jesse, we had dinner together, went to a jazz club, fell asleep….
I’m missing him a lot more than I thought I would right now.
There are a million things I should be doing right now that do not involve writing a blog post.
Tomorrow I will leave this studio apartment that I have called my own for the past 2 years. I came here with one giant suitcase and a carry on with my clothes. I carried everything from the airport to a hotel and then walked over to this apartment with them May 2012. And now here I am, packing up boxes and calling movers to make sure they will be here on time so they could take my things to storage, and then pick them up from storage on Monday and take them to my new apartment.
This weekend seems surreal. Not only because I am leaving the place I have called home for the past 2 years. The first place where I have lived in completely alone. The neighborhood where I have walked various nights, the local spots that I have made a second home… But because it is also the weekend Alex leaves Chicago.
Last week we went to dinner. We talked about our careers, our plans and weighing the cost/benefits of doing things that we don’t like. We joked and laughed for a few hours and ate some delicious food. Then he walked me to my car, a hug was exchanged and an awkward “goodbye, no…. I’ll see you soon….” “Come to New York and we can go out for drinks…” was exchanged. I went inside my car and realized how important his friendship has been to me. Although our “romantic” relationship was not necessarily the best, our friendship has been one to remember.
So here I am, moving to a new place. Starting over. Knowing that with a year of experience in my work field, I need to start a move towards moving forward. Here I am, having been “dating” this wonderful wonderful man for the past 2 months who will be moving to Maryland this weekend. So I’m starting new. What I had originally intended when moving to this city. To start fresh, to stop being boy crazy. To focus on what lay ahead career wise.
I discovered so much about myself in this tiny studio apartment. I discovered my own self sufficiency. My own strength and ability. So a great friend is leaving. And coincidently so is the person I have been foolishly been falling for every single day for the past 2 months. And I will be in a new neighborhood. But I know I will be okay. I know this new start will bring things I could never imagine, but with the right attitude I can turn every experience into learning and growth.
there a boy somewhere in central america right now, thinking about leaving home. perhaps he is going to leave tomorrow. he will travel into the mexican border and north all the way to the american border. his life will feel like it has shattered when he is arrested. he will be in a jail cell for maybe a day, maybe two. then he will get on a plane, come to chicago, then on a bus. he will get off a bus and i will take him down a hallway and tell him to wash his hands. then he might hear me or one of my co workers say “bienvenidos, les quiero decir antes de empezar que nosotros no somos imigracion, y los vamos a ayudar a llegar con sus familias….” and then there will be a small sigh of relief. i will know him for maybe two weeks, most likely 2 months, hopefully not 6. but he will make me laugh. i will make him laugh. he will be mad at me. i will be completely irritated by him. but he will change my life. and i will hopefully change his.
for the past 10 months this has been my life. i have met over one thousand boys and girls probably. and then they leave. and a day or two later it feels like a distant memory. but there are always those few that stay with you. that you think about at night.
there are the kids that you wonder about. you wonder if their parents welcomed them with open arms after having left them at 2 weeks old and starting a new family in the states. you wonder if they welcomed their new families by letting them in. you wonder if that boy that you care about so much has carved on his arm without you there to tell him not to and checking it every evening. you wonder if someone has told that boys he’s wonderful, because he truly is. you wonder if he still knows that you meant it when you told him you only wanted him to be happy. you wonder if that boy is still dancing in his room to michael jackson songs. you wonder if you will ever see them again. and you sit and hope and wish that you will see them again. and that they will be okay, that they will love their family, and that most of all they are happy.
Since moving to Chicago I have often found myself going on various dates. But every single time something goes wrong. I say the wrong thing. They say the wrong thing. Something happens. Every single time there was Alex to go back to. To sit with late hours into the night and just talk to, laugh with and every single problem would go away for just a moment. The next day I’d walk around with a silly grin on my face and the happiness would last about 2 weeks. Sometimes 3. Then it went back to the various dates, the countless disappointments.
It never really mattered because I was so focused on finding other things that I could love. I wanted to find a job that was fulfilling. I wanted to be able to say that I was financially independent. I wanted to buy a car. I wanted to do all the things that would finally make me feel like an adult. I talked myself into thinking that adulthood would not happen until all those things fell into place and that having a serious relationship before that happened would not work. Suddenly, one day, all of those things were real. I was sitting around reading about my retirement investment plans, deciding which health insurance was the best for me, signing off on a car that was completely and fully to my name. And suddenly, I felt so unaccomplished.
I let go of so many wonderful people. I said the wrong things too many times. I did things that I probably should not have done. I stayed home when I should have gone out. Or I went out when I should have stayed in. All opportunities to find that one “love of your life” seemed to have passed me by. I thought about my ex boyfriend from college, and realized how frustrated he must have been with me. I realized that I couldn’t go back to Alex this time because going back to Alex would mean never finding anything concrete. Going back to Alex would mean a giant broken heart in June when he leaves Chicago.
So for the first time in my life, I actually WANT to settle down. I for once want to give time to someone. But I have come to realize that I have no idea how to do that. I have no idea how to pick out a good guy. I can’t distinguish between the guy that could settle and the guy that will be going out to party with me and then disappear off the face of the earth. I don’t know how to “keep someone interested” (mainly because I don’t think I should go out of my way) but maybe I do need to go out of my way. And that is my problem. I am lost.